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Things we can learn from the movies
John from the Sandrinham yacht club
A lawyer called his first
witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached
her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You
lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven’t brains to
realise you will never amount anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room
and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the lawyer for the defence?"
She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a
real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the shoddiest in the entire city. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both
lawyers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If
either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall
people burn slower????" Warren Hutcherson.
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.
Ø
During all police investigations it will be necessary
to visit a strip club at least once.
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All telephone numbers in America begin with the numbers
555
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All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French
bread stick.
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The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
Ø
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
Ø
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Ø
A detective can only solve the case once he has been
suspended from duty.
Ø
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a
kitchen at night you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
Ø
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Ø
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
Ø
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
A teacher asked his high school
seniors to express in writing the most valuable thing they believed they would
take with them after twelve years of study. He was not at all encouraged
by the response of one scholar: "I am real great full to all the teachers
who hav contribut to my exsullent edumacation"
A mother overheard her son saying his prayers before going to sleep: ".....and please make Sydney the capital of Victoria." She didn't want to intrude, but she had to find out the reason behind such a strange petition. "Why are you praying for Sydney to be the capital of Victoria?" she asked softly. "Because that's what I answered on my geography test."
You never get something for nothing, although it may take awhile for the
billing statement to arrive.
An angry reader phoned the editor of the local newspaper. “This morning's
edition reports me as being dead!" he shrieked. After a moment
of silence, the editor asked, "Where are you calling from?"
In a large forest there is a big bear and a monkey. The bear is pretty angry due to the fact that all the girl bears in the forest don’t like him, so he keeps bopping the monkey on the head. Well the good fairy finally hears the monkey’s cries and comes down to them and says,
“That’s enough of that! I will give you each three wishes. The bear can go first, then the monkey.”
So the bear says, “I wish every bear in this forest to be a girl bear.” Poof!
Then the monkey says, “I wish for a helmet” Poof!
Then the bear says, “I wish every bear in this country to be a girl bear.” Poof!
The monkey says, “I wish for a
motorbike.” Poof!
Then the bear says, “I wish every bear in the entire world except for me to be a girl bear.” Poof!
Then the monkey puts on his
helmet, starts the motorbike and gets on. As he is riding off he shouts back to
the good fairy, “ For my last wish I wish that that bear was gay!”
Two men were working on a construction site four stories up. One was a brickie and the other was a metal worker who suffered from stuttering. One day the metal worker noticed his brickie mate throwing bricks over the side of the building every now and then. Come lunch time he goes up to his mate and asks “W..w…w…what is t..t..t..t.he go w..w..w.with the b..b..bricks?”His mate replied “Well you see when I see a rich looking passer-by coming I drop a brick and shout out “Falling brick!” and they give me $20 for saving their lives. I’ve made $60 today.” “W.w..w.ow c..c…c…can I h..h..have a g…g..go?” “Sure, here’s a brick, hey look here comes someone now, get ready…drop it!” So the metal worker drops the brick and starts shouting “F…f…f…f…f…f….f..flaming got him.”
One day at the Sandrinham yacht club John and Bill sat watching the golf. Tiger Woods was just teeing off on the 9th hole. John turns to Bill and says “You know what Bill, I know him.” What you know Tiger Woods?” Yep, drinking buddies.” I don’t believe you!” Bill replied. John said “I’ll prove it to you.” So off they go to the golf course. They arrived and stood behind the rope fence. Tiger Woods, who was just about to tee off, looked up and said “John! John from the Sandrinham yacht club. How are you? Lets have a drink after the tournament.” Sure” said John. Bill couldn’t believe, he knows Tiger Woods.
Well the next week they were at the Yacht Club drinking again and watching the Grand Pre. A quick shot of Peter Brock being interviewed came on the screen and John turns to Bill and says.. “You know what Bill.” Bill turns to him and says “What John?” “I know him!” What! You know Peter Brock, don’t believe you.” “Yep, went to school together, best mates.” Rubbish” “I’ll prove it to you” so off they go to the racetrack. They are just entering the pit stop when Brock pulls up for a quick tyre change. He looks out the window and shouts, “John! John from the Sandrinham yacht club. How are you, lets have a drink after the race.” Sure Peter” Bill’s flabbergasted, can’t believe it. John knows Peter Brock. So they have a drink after the race with Brock.
A few weeks later, early on a Sunday morning they are watching a special service with Pope who came to Australia for a week. The Pope was just coming out to give the opening prayer when John turns to Bill and says. “Guess what Bill.” Bill looks ate him and says “What John?” “I know him.” Bill replies, “That’s it! There’s no way you know the Pope!” “Yep, best of mates, drinking buddies.” Bill says, “I don’t believe you!” John replies “I’ll prove it to you.” So off they go to the large old church. It’s full of people and TV camera crews everywhere. John turns to Bill and says “Wait here by this statue and I’ll go and see if it’s ok to take you up to him.” “Sure thing John, sure thing.” Said Bill sarcastically. John starts walking up the isle to the Pope who had just come out and was standing behind the pulpit to give his sermon when he looked at John and said “John! John from the Sandrinham yacht club. How are you mate. Come on up here.” So John gets up on the stage and starts talking with the Pope. “Paul, I’ve got a mate who would like to see you, can I bring him up?” “Sure John, anything for you. Where is he?” John turns and points to the statue at the back of the church and said “Down by the statue there.” The Pope looks and says “I can’t see anyone there.” John looks and sure enough, no Bill!
He races down and finds Bill lying by the statue unconscious. He throws some water on him and sits him up and says “Bill, Bill, are you alright? What happened?” Bill sits up and says “Well John, I’ve got tell you the truth, I could handle it when I found out you were best mates with Tiger Woods, and I could even handle it when I found out you were best mates with Brocky, but I just couldn’t handle it when two Nuns walked past and said “Who’s that up there with John from the Sandrinham yacht club?”
One day Johnny was getting ready for school when his mother gave him some money and asked him to get some Liver on the way home for tea. He said “Sure thing Mum” and off he went to school. But Johnny was naughty at school and was given detention. After he got out he ran to the butcher’s shop but it was closed. “Oh no” he thought “What am I going to do, mum really wanted that liver for tea.” As he was walking home he passed a graveyard and noticed a gravedigger patting down a freshly dug grave and he got an idea. He his in the bushes until the gravedigger had gone. He then got a spade and dug up the body and cut out the liver and put into some newspaper he found lying around and took it home and gave it to his mother who took it and said thanks, and they ate it for tea.
A few hours later they were all in
bed. Johnny was lying in bed trying to get to sleep when he thinks he hears
something, so he strains hi sears and heres “Johnny, Johnny, I’m at your gate. I want my liver back!” Johnny heard the front gate clink open and
foot steps up the path, and then Johnny,
Johnny, I’m at your front door. I want my liver back!” Johnny was getting a bit nervous by now and
got up and shut his bedroom door. He then heard the front door open and
footsteps on the stairs Johnny, Johnny,
I’m on your stairs. I want my liver back!”
Johnny is getting scared now and pulls the sheet up over his head. The footsteps go along his hall and stop
outside his bedroom door, Johnny,
Johnny, I’m at your door. I want my liver back!” Johnny pulls the doona over his head and is
now shaking. He heres his door open and
footsteps up to the foot of his bed, Johnny,
Johnny, I’m at your bed. I want my.. BOO!” If done well, guaranteed that
someone will jump, I’ve had someone scream.
a) You
are in a concrete room. There is a steel pipe 25 cm in length cemented into the
centre of the floor. The pipe protrudes
about 15cm. A ping-pong ball is dropped down the pipe. There is a fraction of a
cm clearance around the ball and the pipe. Your task (Should you take it) is to
get the ball out of the pipe undamaged. The only items that are available are a
wooden ruler, a ball of string, a pocket mirror, a paper clip and a small
magnet. Since nothing else is allowed into the room, how could you get the
plastic ping-pong ball out of the steel pipe? …..
hint-
b) Which
is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is
white”? 
c) Karry
Queen works on the 35th floor of an office tower. Most mornings
Karry will ride the elevator as far as the 25th floor, then climb
the stairs to the 35th. On mornings when it is raining, however, he
will always ride the elevator to the 35th floor. Since Karry is
neither fond of exercise nor superstitious, what could be the reason for this
rather bizarre behaviour?
d) Note to the reader – without using pen or paper, have the person add the following: Start with 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Now add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?
e) Mrs Shady is lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside it is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in her death, yet there is no trace of blood. Mrs Shady’s body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could she have been murdered with the pair of scissors?
f)
This is a most unusual paragraph. How quickly can you find out
what is so unusual about it? It looks so ordinary you’d think nothing was wrong
with it – and in fact nothing is wrong with it. It is unusual though. Why?
Study it, think about it, and you may find out. Try to do it without coaching.
If you work at it for a bit it will dawn on you. So jump to it and try your
skill at figuring it out. Good luck – don’t blow your cool!
g) The maker doesn’t want it. The buyer doesn’t use it. And the user doesn’t see it. What is it?
h) For several days a man stood in the parking lot looking up at the apartment building across the street. This man was becoming a nuisance and one of the tenants of the building phoned the local authorities to have the man removed. Several days later when the authorities finally responded to the call, the man was gone. All they found was a couple of buttons and his hat. Who was the man they just missed?
a) Pee into the pipe and the ball will float,
b) Obviously the yolk of the egg is not white, it’s yellow,
c) Kerry Queen is a dwarf. He is only able to reach as high as the 25th floor button on the elevator, unless he has his umbrella.
d) Most people will say 5000, of course the answer is 4100
e) Mrs Shady slept on a waterbed. Her assailant used the scissors to cut the bed open and drowned her.
f) The letter e (the most common letter in our language) does not appear in the paragraph.
g) A coffin
h) He was a snowman who was standing in one of the tenant’s parking spaces.
Please feel free to use these, and if you have some you think should be here, e-mail me at ywsn@bigpond.com
Also feel free to visit http://www.raptureready.com/humor/humor.html for a lot of jokes, not all good, but some are. Also visit www.ahajokes.com which has some good stuff. Also www.irishjokes.co.uk is quite a good site, bit of language though in some.
Please send me any jokes you might have as I am always looking for good ones for school, the students love jokes and stuff.
